listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
