I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Vodka?
Forever.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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