I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
