whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i will never coherently bang her
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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