Do you still have your period?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
