He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize