you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
