i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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