five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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