I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
