Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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