I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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