I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He better not be in your backpack
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
