Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
