Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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