After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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