Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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