I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
