K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
