I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Your cock deserves a montage
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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