All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
