You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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