I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
