how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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