i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
