The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
