ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
