Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
