When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
