Me. At least after what I've been through.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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