I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
