Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
