i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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