So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
