i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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