Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
