She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
