weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
