My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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