You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
