Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize