someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
