if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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