He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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