I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
