this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize