I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
