I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
