I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
