he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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