Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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