I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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