The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
