Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
