yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Randomize
