god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
