i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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