shes about as inviting as chlamydia
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
