You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
