I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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