So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize