I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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