He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
