im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
