My girlfriend figured out who you are.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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