if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
